lies (can't let you go)
by thequeenofokay
Summary: They are two of the smartest people around (in different ways, admittedly), but they build a relationship on lies and badly kept secrets. And manage to maintain it, despite the odds.


_Disclaimer: If I owned Eureka it wouldn't be gone. But it is. So I don't. Neither do I own those lyrics, which are from Lies by Marina and the Diamonds._

_A/N: I'm sorry idek what happened here. There's just so many POVs. Also I'm not sure if I got the right rating... there is a fair amount of swearing, but not much else. Sex references, I guess, but that's kinda a given, and it's pretty mild._

.::.::.::.

_I just want it to be perfect_

_to believe it's all been worth the fight_

.::.::.::.

The secrets began when she (literally) threw the first one at him. The engagement ring was the beginning. It was the beginning of a fragile relationship, built with lust, secrets, and lies. There would eventually be more substantial, sturdy building blocks. Right then, though, there was nothing. Just rubble.

.::.::.::.

Jo didn't want Zane to know the little secret. But in some ways, she was relieved. She might be _really_ pissed at Fargo, but in the end, it felt like a weight off her chest. It added a new one in its place, it started a whole new hell, though. He was going to start _looking_ at her, and she was over him (almost, sort of, maybe). She didn't want to have to deal with his flirting and that he _knew _now. Not now that he knew what she felt for him. Another him, in another time.

Anyway. He was bound to find out, after she went and chucked that stupid ring at him. And after he kissed her.

That kiss kept on creeping into her mind. It was poisonous. It made her remember everything she'd been trying so hard to forget. She knew that if Fargo hadn't told him, he'd have just had to catch her with a couple more of those kisses and she'd be gone - she'd spill everything.

So at least, Jo thought, if it was Fargo who let slip the secret, she could blame him, and not herself.

.::.::.::.

He broke down the defences she'd been building so easily. Just a kiss, and she was stolen away by memories of a man lost. And by the possibility that she could have at least a ghost of him back. Wasn't he still the same man, in essence? Harder abs and a harder heart, maybe.

Zane spent months of his life trying to live up to his own memory. He didn't tell her that, but it was one of many weak points in their foundations. Feeling outdone by yourself. Who could say that? He knew that she constantly, silently compared the old and new versions of him. She never said a word about it. They wouldn't talk about the other him much. She wouldn't properly tell him about the other timeline for over a year, until the wounds were nothing but fading scars, and she had come to terms with them being two different people.

.::.::.::.

For almost six weeks, they kept their 'arrangement' a secret. Or, fairly secret. Carter knew something was going on. Jo would slip in at one in the morning, or not come home at all some nights, and others she'd already be up when he came downstairs, dressed and breakfasted. He'd mentioned it to Allison, naturally, and they both agreed it was none of their business, but that it probably had something to do with a certain Mr Donovan, with whom Jo's relationship seemed to have... changed.

It wasn't that he no longer flirted shamelessly with her, or that she no longer responded with a look of disgust or an eye roll, but the way she acted once he'd looked away was different. She no longer had the look of sadness or despair, or even the same longing. Now there was a different kind of pain - confusion, maybe. And Carter didn't understand it, or why it had changed, but he knew for sure there was no way Jo would talk about it.

That didn't mean he wouldn't try.

"Are you going to be going out tonight?" Carter asked, one evening, from his place on the sofa, beer in his hand.

"Yeah, I think so." Jo was moving round the kitchen, collecting her purse and checking her PDA every few seconds. "Is Allison not coming over?" She glanced at him quickly.

"No. She's busy."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Some science-y thing with Kevin. I don't know. Didn't sound very me," he explained. Jo nodded, moving towards the door, collecting her coat. She thought she was safe. "So, where are you off to?"

"Work." Jo turned, shooting him a smile. _Don't ask questions_.

"Oh? Can't you just do it in the morning? That show you like... the one with eye-patch guy. I thought the new series of that was on tonight," Carter whined.

Jo shrugged. "It's been really busy at the moment. With the new Astraeus stuff. Reality TV can wait."

"Seriously?" Carter sat up, mocking surprise. "This must be some pretty important work, if Jo Lupo is going to put it above reality TV."

Jo smiled. "Sorry. Got to go. I'm sure you'll manage on your own."

She didn't come back that night, but turned up that morning while Carter ate his breakfast. "Fell asleep in the office," she excused herself, at the look he gave her.

Why they stopped keeping it a secret, Jo wasn't quite sure. Maybe it was that she thought it would help her end it, if other people tried to convince her it was the right thing to do. It just happened one morning.

"This is over," she muttered, like she did every time. "Go." She disentangled herself from the sheets, giving Zane a shove out of the bed. She could hear the voices of Carter and Allison downstairs, but she found that she honestly didn't care any more. So they knew that she was fucking Zane. Big deal. It was bound to happen. Carter had been on to her for weeks, and he'd no doubt told his girlfriend of his suspicions. But it didn't matter. This time, when she said it was over, she meant it.

She still couldn't stop herself, though, when Zane tugged her close. She still kissed him just as fiercely.

.::.::.::.

It was probably after they moved to friends (without the benefits) that people started talking. People being Vincent. They spent a lot of time studying in Café Diem. And while they might no longer be fucking, there was a lot of flirting. And not quietly, either. The kind Vincent really couldn't help but noticing when he brought over more coffee (the pair drunk oceans worth of coffee).

He couldn't be _blamed_ for his interest - everyone knew Vincent liked gossip, and the Chief of Security apparently sleeping with (or at least much closer to) the town's resident felon, who she was supposed to hate, was the best he'd had in years. Or maybe since he'd found out Sheriff Carter and Dr Blake were dating. And before that there had been the time said Sheriff asked him if he might have popped the question to Tess Fontana... But no, this was exciting.

He should probably have got specifics before casually mentioning it to some of his customers, but it wasn't exactly easy. The one time he'd tried asking Jo what was going on between her and Zane, she'd gone a bit funny. Blinked at him, then asked for more coffee, never making so much as an acknowledgement that he'd asked anything, save for looking a little uncomfortable.

Vincent didn't get proof that there was anything going on but the pair's coffee and tutoring for a while. They never kissed or hugged, never displayed any kind of affection of the sort - on that front, they were overwhelmingly icy, despite their banter. There was a profound lack of personal space, though. They were sweet, until they started bickering, until one (usually Jo) takes offence to something the other (usually Zane) said.

It's after one of these arguments, when Jo had left, glaring at Zane, and he had followed five minutes later, that Vincent went out to the back. They could win awards for their lack of discretion, he thought, backing up towards the door. Yes, stumbling upon them making out at the back of his café definitely counted as proof, but Vincent decided he didn't need to see any more, and turned, going back inside.

(That marked the end of their 'no fucking, just friends' spell.

Not right then, admittedly. But impressively soon afterwards. About the quarter of an hour it took to get to Zane's apartment.)

.::.::.::.

Zoe was heading back to Eureka in a little over a week. Not that she was excited, but she was really excited. She was getting to see Jo and all her friends again, for one. And Zane. She couldn't help but be excited about that. She'd still been messaging him, though less frequently recently. She wasn't quite sure what had caused that. She really hoped it wasn't a bad sign (she definitely had her worries).

Her dad was still trying to dissuade her from seeing him. That, too, had got more common lately - like when she first told him she liked Zane again.

"Zoe," he said insistently down the phone. "Zoe, really. I mean do you really want to date a guy with a felony record?"

Zoe rolled her eyes, lying back on her bed. "Come on," she moaned. "Why do you let that define him?"

"Eight months in prison! Does that not put you off?"

"No," Zoe answered simply.

"And what about-" There her dad cut off. He'd done this before - he would start saying something, then catch himself. "I mean, he doesn't exactly seem the commitment type, does he?"

At that point, Zoe decided she really wasn't going to have this conversation with her dad, and changed the subject.

When she hung up the phone, she decided to try phoning Jo. Sitting up in her bed, she pressed call, waiting for her to pick up, but the phone rang out.

_"This is Jo Lupo, Chief of Security for Global Dynamics. I'm unable to take your call right now, please leave a message."_

"Hey Jo... it's Zoe. We haven't talked for a while, but I wanted to let you know I'm going to be back in town soon. Call me when you get this." Zoe hung up, swinging her legs off the bed and heading out of her dorm.

A couple of days later, she called Pilar. She'd meant to do it earlier, but she'd had the nice surprise of a mountain of unforeseen coursework. She had finally got a sign that Jo was still alive and not completely radio silent.

_sorry, rly busy rn. maybe i could pick u up frm the airport & we could talk then_?, Jo had texted her (at one in the morning, but Zoe decided not to ask).

_sounds good, c u then_, Zoe replied.

She Holoskyped Pilar, finding her in her bedroom. "Zoe! Great to see you. I can't wait to actually see you. What is it... a week now?"

"Yep!" Within half an hour of talking, ending up on the subject of _guys_.

"Have you talked to Zane lately?" Pilar asked sweetly. Zoe tried to identify the look on her face, but she couldn't.

"A little. Just messaging. I haven't managed to actually call him for a while. Have you seen him?" Zoe asked. She was getting an unpleasant feeling in her gut.

Pilar's eyes were bright as she bit her lip. "And have you talked to Jo?"

"Briefly. Pilar, what's happened?" Zoe asked, leaning forwards on her bed.

"I just heard a couple of rumours, you know?" Pilar was obviously somewhere between smirking and feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

"Pilar! Tell me." Zoe was pretty sure she knew what was coming next. Zane had been seeing someone else. Zoe couldn't say she would be surprised. She and Zane had never been official, and she knew how bad he was when it came to commitment. Her dad was right on that, even if she hated to admit it.

"Okay. Zane's been sleeping with Jo," Pilar said quickly, waiting for Zoe's reaction.

"What!" Zoe yelped, jumping backwards on her bed like she'd had an electric shock. "How do you know?"

"Oh, they think they keep it a secret, but they really don't," Pilar responded, waving a hand dismissively.

"Are you _serious_? Actually _serious_? They're actually _fucking_?" Zoe couldn't believe it. Jo was like her sister, and she knew Zoe liked Zane. And she was still going behind her back and sleeping with him. At least now she understood a little better why she'd had trouble getting contacting both of them.

And her dad. He must know. "Wait. Does my dad know?" Zoe asked, anger and confusion bubbling inside her.

"Duh. First - pretty much everyone knows, okay? Or, not everyone. But a lot of people. They think they're hiding it, but they're _really_ not. Second - your dad _lives_ with Jo. I think he's noticed," Pilar pointed out.

"Ugh. God. I gotta go, sorry Pilar. I'll see you later." Zoe hung up, flopping back on her bed to stare at the ceiling.

Even after she understood, after her dad had explained to her what happened on Founder's Day, Zoe couldn't help but feel betrayed. She didn't want to feel it, because she felt so much pain for Jo. She couldn't really comprehend what it must be like to lose your almost-fiancée, and then be forced to see them again every day, when they feel nothing for you, and you still feel everything for them. She could, suddenly, understand all the times Jo avoided her, all the times she'd changed changed the subject when she tried to talk about Zane, and the times since Founder's Day when Zoe would catch her staring into the distance, expression inexplicably sad, when she thought no one was looking.

Still. Jo had gone behind her back, she'd been seeing the guy she knew Zoe liked, and she'd tried to keep it all from Zoe. It would be easier to get over now that she knew why, but it still hurt.

She was hovering in the kitchen when the doorbell rang, but SARAH didn't announce the visitor. Zoe turned in her seat, watching through the glass partition. Jo was sitting on the sofa, and jumped up, moving forwards. She met Zane when the door opened, and whatever they said, Zoe couldn't hear through the partition. She could see Jo's eyes lighting up, though. It was hard not to see her thinly veiled happiness. They stood a little away from the door for maybe ten minutes, talking, and Zoe couldn't help herself from watching. Even when she couldn't hear their words, they were electric.

She only looked away when Zane's arm wrapped around Jo's waist, pulling them even closer than they had already been, and kissed her. Once they were upstairs (and it didn't take them long), Zoe sneaked out, collecting her car keys and coat.

Zane was gone by the time Zoe got back from Café Diem, and Jo was alone again, in the kitchen.

"I wanted to talk to you." Zoe put down her coat, turning Jo.

"Zoe, I'm-" she began, but Zoe shook her head, cutting her off.

"My dad told me, okay? About... everything." It was hard to put a name on what happened.

"Oh." Jo blinked. "I'm still sorry," she started again. "I shouldn't have-" This time, she cut herself off, biting her lip. "No matter what my reasons were, I shouldn't have done it."

Zoe nodded in agreement. "No, you shouldn't have. But I can forgive you. Can we leave it at that?" Jo nodded soberly, and Zoe pulled her into a hug.

"You didn't answer my question," Zoe said, as Jo moved towards the fridge.

She turned. "What?"

"Earlier. I still want to know if you love him." She might understand now, but Zoe still wanted that.

Jo froze. She was silent for several long moments. "I'm sorry," she answered finally. "I don't know. I wish I did." Her smile didn't reach her eyes. It didn't even get near them.

.::.::.::.

Jo surprised herself when she kissed him before the Astraeus launch. There wasn't that many people there - maybe twenty - but up until then they'd hardly displayed much physical affection if even someone like Carter or Allison was in the room. It was like they were still trying to pretend their relationship (whatever it is, Jo honestly couldn't think of a label to put on it) didn't exist.

Occasionally, she'd catch his arm, or he'd touch her elbow, and then they'd catch themselves. Once or twice, she'd hugged him. After he found out she'd dropped out of the Asraeus project. That definitely won prizes for shitty ways to find out fairly shit information. But she didn't know how she'd been planning to tell him anyway.

Six months was a long time. And even if she was still unwilling to admit her feelings, or at least she was seriously confused about them, she knew she'd miss him. Like hell.

.::.::.::.

Fargo wouldn't normally feel sorry for Zane Donovan. But losing your girlfriend to one of the few other people you considered a friend must have stung.

Apparently losing Jo also prompted Zane to recognise that he really had felt something for her. He referred to her as his (former) girlfriend on multiple occasions. She treated him with aloofness in return. Didn't even try to hide affection for Carter around either Zane or Allison. Five years had turned Jo into someone else. Someone utterly lacking any kind of feelings for Zane. Or any tact.

Fargo wondered what could happen to change a person that much. Surely, he reasoned, you couldn't get over a person that fast, that you were in the kind of relationship Jo and Carter had within five years. Jo had been distraught last time she'd lost Zane, and that time he hadn't been lost. Just lost to her.

Learning that it had all been fake, all a lie, didn't really help the situation. But by then, Holly was gone, and Fargo's thoughts had drifted from the relationship of his best friends.

.::.::.::.

He doesn't tell her what happened inside the Matrix.

Not at first.

She doesn't ask. She wants to, but she doesn't.

When she does find out, she's not sure she wanted to.

.::.::.::.

The they keep from each other is obvious to everyone else. The words "I love you" hang in the air for months. Neither is willing to grab them.

There were so many moments when they were both on the cusp of speaking them. But it was part of the nature of their thoroughly fucked up relationship that neither could.

Jo could hear the words in her mind so many time before the Astraeus launch and the whole matrix incident. And she didn't have a clue how to deal with it. Instead, she convinced herself she was wrong. She couldn't love him. She was just confused. It wouldn't be unlikely - she told herself she was just mixing up her feelings for the old Zane with this new one. She pushed it all away, and whenever she was forced into a position of answering questions to do with her love for Zane, or her willingness to commit to their relationship, she would give the only answer she could. _I don't know. I'm sorry._

Afterwards, it became more complicated. Or less. She wasn't entirely sure. Maybe it was both. But at least they were official. That lingering question of 'what is this?' was gone. But first there was the whole added pressure of what happened in the Matrix weighing down on them, and even when that began to dissipate, others replaced it. She always knew Zane was could be ridiculously possessive and and his jealousy could border on childish, but the Matrix had tripled it. Given time, they mended, but it was so loosely stitched together, such a slow and delicate process, Jo bit back the words every time they made it to her mouth. She didn't want to topple what they'd built. It was worth too much to her for that.

Zane nearly said it as many times as Jo. He wouldn't have considered it before the whole Astraeus business, even if it did occasionally creep into his mind, late at night when she was curled at his side. He couldn't _love_ her. He didn't do that. Didn't love. Not for years.

He was so close at Holly's funeral. Nearly let it slip out. After that, feeling the words on his tongue became a common occurrence. He wanted to say it, and he never thought he'd feel like that. He never thought he would love someone, and be as sure of it as he was becoming, but it was just so natural with Jo. He couldn't help it. He was pretty sure it wasn't meant to have happened. But he'd never say it. Not at the moment. She was still too skittish. He _never_ thought he would be stopping himself from saying it.

It took a proposal. It took that confirmation that they were both there, in the same place, for them to brave the words.

.::.::.::.

They keep their engagement a secret for a little over a week. They didn't want to take away from Allison and Jack's news, Henry's promotion, Holly and Fargo's leaving, Zoe's graduation, or any of the other stories that arose in the chaos that was Eureka being bought. Plus, secrets were a part of their relationship now. However badly kept. They'd tried honesty on, and it hadn't fitted. Trying to force one person who was naturally dishonest and one who would naturally take the best route, even if that meant not being so completely by the book, wouldn't work.

Jo slipped the ring onto her finger on a Saturday. A silent agreement passed between them. Today they let everyone find out this latest secret (telling would be too easy).

.::.::.::.

It's not that Jo was nervous, exactly, about telling her family. She was excited, elated that she can finally say it. But how do you tell your military family that you're marrying a (pardoned) felon?

She sat, staring at her PDA in her hand. She was definitely nervous. Clicking dial she held the phone up to her ear. "Hey, dad." They talked as usual, while Jo worked herself up to saying it. "I've got some news." She bit her lip. "I'm engaged."

Her father's surprise was understandable. "You hardly even mentioned you were dating," he said, after congratulating her. It was true. She knew from the conversations she'd had with both him and her brothers that she'd moaned and complained about Zane to them, back when her other self had hated him. She'd slowly faded the complaints out over a few months, but she hadn't even mentioned that she was in any kind of relationship with him before the Astraeus launch. She was still too confused. And afterwards... she had mentioned, a few times, in an offhand sort of way, that she was dating someone, but no names were mentioned. She was wishing she hadn't put it off so long now.

"Yeah. Well, I don't know," she excused herself. "It was a bit complicated I suppose."

"Well, who's the lucky guy? Have I met him?" her father asked.

"Yeah, I, uh, mentioned him a few times. Zane Donovan."

She was pretty sure he choked. "Jo? Zane Donovan? You spent hours moaning to to me about how that man was selfish, childish, and - these are your words - a total reckless screw-up with no regard for authority."

Had other-Jo said that? "Yeah," she agreed. "That's true. And he's now the head of one of the most important departments here, he's been offered jobs at MIT and countless other universities, and he's been responsible for I don't know how many different scientific breakthroughs." It was easier to say than the real reasons she loved him, but she knew her father would understand.

"What changed you mind?" he asked.

Jo bit back a smile. How to explain that? "Things just change, I guess."

He accepts the answer. "Have you told your brothers?"

"Not yet. Will I be able to?" She's never really sure when she can and can't, when they're in service.

"You can try."

Miraculously, she got through to all three. They're reactions were unsurprisingly similar.

.::.::.::.

In their vows, they promise to be together, in any time. To most, it's sweet, but has little meaning other than that. To them, it's another secret. A good one, this time.

.::.::.::.

_A/N: okay. I do hope you enjoyed that unbetad, unedited mess. idk if I like it, but I had fun rewatching like every Jo/Zane scene ever since Founder's Day to write it. That said, it's accuracy is probably questionable (since I spent most of said rewatch dribbling). Also I hope the random POV switches and that last random tense switch aren't too confusing. Or just the whole thing in general. Also ew it got all fluffy at the end, that wasn't supposed to happen._

_Also I got a couple of things to explain: firstly, I figure Jo and Zane would have programmed SARAH not to announce him or something - they did keep it a secret for two or three weeks; second, I've read a lot of fics in which Zoe instantly forgave Jo, but I felt that was a little unrealistic - whatever Jo's reasons, she still was going behind Zoe's back; third, idk about the affection thing, but I couldn't shake that from my mind - they hug about twice, by my count, pre-Astraeus, but it might just be me who thinks that; fourthly, there were a lot of other things I wanted to put in here - something about the Jo/Carter mess, something about ; finally, the theme of this was lies and such, but i'm not really sure if I achieved that. /shrugs  
_

_And the lyrics and title are both from Lies by Marina and the Diamonds._

_Anyway, reviews and constructive criticism are very much __appreciated. Also prompts for other things to write._


End file.
